Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
50% drunk capacity currently
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
