I just cut my nipple shaving
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
