My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
