My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
