So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
thus making me awesome and them whores
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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