I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
