i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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