so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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