well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
