ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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