Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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