I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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