I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
