I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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