I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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