she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
