I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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