Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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