Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
