I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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