I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
