the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
