i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
