Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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