I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
