After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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