theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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