I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Drake has all the answers
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
