remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
