If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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