girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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