I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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