Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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