I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
