My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
