I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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