I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
