Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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