Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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