That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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