he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
