dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
it's like heaven, but drunker
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
