And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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