Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
