I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
