I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
