I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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