my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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