Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i would one night stand the shit outta him
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
