Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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