1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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