just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
