Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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