In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
